A year on from Canada.

On this day last year, my case was packed and i made the journey over to Canada to spend time with family and to meet some people i'd only ever heard of or seen a picture of.

I can never really begin to tell you how much i enjoyed the trip, all of it. The second i was dropped off at the airport in Manchester, it felt like i was doing something big and i knew this would be the time of my life.

It was my first time ever flying alone, which was kind of exciting, trying to keep myself calm while being pushed back from the airport in the plane, smelling burning and being told by the pilot that the reason we were delayed was because of technical problems with the plane (it's a great way to settle your nerv's, trust me).

Even when i landed and was kept in a room to the side, because they thought i was trying to move into canada and wouldn't be returning.... as tempting as that was, it wasn't going to be what i was doing while i was there.

I'll never forget walking down the long corridor after being given the all-clear to go from border control, walking round that corner, taking a quick look round and hearing my name being shouted by family that i was literally over the moon to see myself. The big hugs, the welcome's and then the "let's find the truck" moment's have always stuck with me.

Canada's a country i've since given much thought about moving to and if i had the money and the time was right, i'd be off like a shot.

All my time over there, even on days of doing nothing more than sitting out by the pool, radio on in the background and having a few beers, it was all time i cherrish because i was enjoying it so much. Completely new faces to meet and see everyday, learning that i do actually like to be out in the sun and of course, loving the canadian way of life, i felt at home.

I don't think i can ever forget the feeling of "oh fuck" when we arrived back at what was to be home for the next 2 and abit weeks, when the heaven's opend and i thought i'd brought the rain with me.... Which luckily, it rained like, twice the whole time i was over there, once on the night i arrived and a 2nd time when all the family were supposed to be coming around for a bbq, that was a big storm that even managed to take out the power supply.

I think another reason i enjoyed canada so much because i got to do the touristy stuff, but i also got to see what life is like in canada, well, as much as i could have done anyway, of course everybody's lives there are going to be different, but im on about things like going into town and going to the drug store, or the beer store, even a proper wallmart AND finding out canada has bags of milk.... milk, in a bag. Never heard of anything like that here!!!

I really do miss it, i miss the family i have over there, i miss the friends i made and i most of all, miss the sunshine!!!!

Since making my return home from canada of course normal life is never as easy going as a trip away, my canadian family have done all they can to keep in touch with me (and still do) but my life always seems to have another thing to throw at me which takes me away from being able to have a good chat with them.

I would love nothing more than to go back to canada, infact i'd love to be able to bring all the canadian family over here to show them where i live and what life is like here, alas, i don't think i'm that well off... just yet anyway lol.

So, a year on and my mind is full of all the thing's i got up to, be it niagra falls....

or the CN tower...

How can you not look back and think "I had an amazing time"?

My brain will be keeping me entertained with all of these trips out and so much more and i try to get through all thats currently going-on in my life as it is now, with the little candle that's still lit in me that says "you'll do this again at some point" :)

What a party!!!

Normally on here i'd have it pre-set out to post a blog on my birthday wishing myself a happy birthday and awaiting for people to come with their comments to facebook and twitter about how they'd like to wish my a happy birthday.

This year i decided to do things a little different. For starters i didn't want people to know that don't know me. So i hid it on my facebook, meaning it wouldn't show up to other's that it was my birthday. It kinda worked!!!

I hardly heard from anyone and that was interesting to see who knew, who didn't, or who stalked me on facebook enough to know.

In person, my birthday was explosive, expensive and kinda butch too....

So, a few days before my birthday (which was on the wednesday) i got a call from my friend Sian, she simply said "keep the tuesday free". Wouldn't give anymore than that. Over the next few days i managed to get her to say it was manchester we were going to and we'd be staying in a hotel there, but that something else was planned.

I set on google to see what was on in manchester that we could be doing and... there it was... Robbie Williams live. It couldn't be could it? She wouldn't have booked for us to go and see him would she?

....

So, how did it go?

Well, at about 1 ish, we met on the bus and began our usual travels down to manchester. At the train station, Sian wasn't too sure of what station we were best to get off at (Manchester has 3 city centre train stations) so had to reveal where we were going. We jumped on the train and soon were getting off in manchester. We walked over to the New Union pub which is manchester's oldest gay pub, with history like in the 1960's, how the landlord was sent to jail for owning a house of ill-repute.

We checked in and we got into our room, but it being about 3 now, we didn't have much time. Sian had told me on the train that we were going to see robbie, so i was over the moon inside, although i think i kept the outside cool as a cucumber.

We left the hotel about 4 and headed out to another bar i like called the thompson arms, we had a little drink in there and then went round the corner to get our taxi to the stadium. We soon arrived and our pre-drinks had gone straight through me, so of course had to make a stop at every available toilet. We made our way through into the stadium and to the spot where we'd be standing.

Olly murs was the support act and i've got to say, he was better than i thought he'd have been, especially when he broke into his little "summer medley".

Which of course i loved, but my fave in that was when he did "september" because for some reason over the past few months ive spent a fair bit of time bopping along to it!

Anyway, as you saw in the other video, Robbie came on and was his usual showman self, doing stuff on the stage and with the crowed that only robbie can get away with. We left the stadium and went to go and call our taxi. We got onto the main road and called it, but were told by the taxi firm that they already had a base set up at the stadium and to look for a certain part. We followed all the sign's to the taxi pick up point and arrived, only to be told that it was going to be about a 45 minute wait because with the volume of traffic on the road, taxi's can't get out and as soon as you get in, the meter is started, so to save you money, you weren't even allowed to sit in the taxi.

After about 2 hours, we got into our taxi and made our way back to the gay village. I of course hit the kebab shop to order some food and we made our way back to the pub. We went straight up to our room, but as the pub had karaoke on until 2am, we were kept awake for abit.... well, i say we, sian was nodding off by the time i got out the shower and by the time they were playing gangnam style downstairs.

I couldn't sleep that night. The room was boiling, it'd been a hot day and was a warm night out, yet for some reason, the radiator in the room that couldn't be turned off, was throwing out tonnes of heat. I MUST have nodded off for an hour because the next thing i remember is it being almost light out and hearing the delivery men dropping the kegg's of beer on the road outside and then hearing the old ones coming out.... my god, the noise out of them!!!!!

We got up about 9 ish and started getting ready to leave. I went and got a cold shower to cool down (Actually, the shower never really got warm, probably all it's heat was kept in the bloody radiator). We left the room, handed in the key and began our journey home.

Back in wigan, we got off the train and spoke to my friend Ian, who said his car was in for a service and he'd come and pick us up, so we headed to a nearby pub and grabbed a coke. Ian came and got us, dropped sian off at home and then we went back to mine. At mine, me and ian spoke about the concert and random stuff like we normally do.

A little later on, we had Stevie and Sian back up, Sian's mum had made some really nice little cakes, with personalised toppings! Stevie gave me her and Ian's present, which you can see below...

How happy was i with them?

Raaaa love em!!!!

Anyway, my mum called in a little later on and gave me yet more presents! A new mini-manbag and a little speaker for going around with... it was brilliant!!!

So, eventually the people left and i got into my bed, shocked at that the past 48 hours had been like, when i'd planned for nothing, asked for nothing and gotten everything and more.

My birthday event of course had a little bit of a sad side to it (It's my party and i'll cry if i want to).

At the robbie concert, his final song was going to be Angel's. Before he started the song he asked the people that if they had lost someone, or were losing someone to pull them close into our minds and sing up for them. For some reason my brain went straight to my nana. She'd been on the phone before the concert and hoped it was well and i know she'd have loved to have seen me on my birthday, but she's on my mind quite alot these days. Started with shingles last week and she's a big part of my life and worry about the day when she's no longer there, which of course meant it wasn't great when she spoke a few weeks back about planning her funeral.

When robbie began singing i threw my arms around sian and we both stood there swaying to the song. As he carried on singing for some reason i became all choked up, lump in the throat and tears filling up the eyes. When the fireworks started... omg, it was just crazy. I couldn't sing most of the song and i noticed that others were pretty choked up around me too.... and yes, including Sian too!

So, here's what it looked like....

All in all, i couldn't have asked for a better birthday in my wildest dreams. It's yet another sign that i'm surrounded by people with enough love and caring that they want to see me happy... maybe it is time i think about that more...

Anyway, i can't thank everyone enough, it was a brilliant birthday and i hope a sign of the year to come.... :)

Taking it to heart?

This one is possibly abit odd for me to write, possibly even more worse for me to try and word exactly how i feel, yet as i sit here with gritted teeth, i can only think of how much i would like to see other people in the situation i'm about to tell you, just to see what they would do, when others did their actions against them.... If that didn't make sense, don't worry it will soon.

Last christmas (2012) 19 month old Millie-Rose Heaton was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma.

Wiki describes it as....

"
Neuroblastoma (NB) is the most common extracranial solid cancer in childhood and the most common cancer in infancy, with an annual incidence of about six hundred and fifty cases per year in the U.S., and a hundred cases per year in the U.K. Nearly half of neuroblastoma cases occur in children younger than two years. It is a neuroendocrine tumor, arising from any neural crest element of the sympathetic nervous system (S.N.S.). It most frequently originates in one of the adrenal glands, but can also develop in nerve tissues in the neck, chest, abdomen, or pelvis.
Neuroblastoma is one of the few human malignancies known to demonstrate spontaneous regression from an undifferentiated state to a completely benign cellular appearance. It is a disease exhibiting extreme heterogeneity, and is stratified into three risk categories: low, intermediate, and high risk. Low-risk disease is most common in infants and good outcomes are common with observation only or surgery, whereas high-risk disease is difficult to treat successfully even with the most intensive multi-modal therapies available.
Esthesioneuroblastoma, also known as olfactory neuroblastoma, is believed to arise from the olfactory epithelium and its classification remains controversial. However, since it is not a sympathetic nervous system malignancy, esthesioneuroblastoma is a distinct clinical entity and is not to be confused with neuroblastoma.^"

Basically it's a stupidly agressive form of cancer, which from what i'm able to tell isn't great for being survived... espcially when relapse occours.

The Heaton family since this news have been doing what they can to try and get Millie the best medical care that she can have, which is how they have come across a proceedure in Germany, which should help Millie beat it. With this though comes a cost, infact, a BIG cost. Since finding out about the treatment in Germany, the family and friends have been raising what money they can, with some people digging very deep indeed.

At the bottom i will link the facebook page for Millie-Rose so you can all go and donate if you want to, or find out info about any events which are taking place.

However, this is not where my problem lies.

Several times now friends and family have posted on facebook to say about certain rumour's that are going around the town, which could possibly stop people from donating to the cause. I'm here to say it stops. Now.

Now we're in June of 2013 and Millie has literally just turned two years old and is trying her best to battle a killer. People around this community seem to have nothing better to do than to try and bad mouth not only the fund raising work that the people are doing, but to try and create some drama. I can confirm that the money raised goes into a seperate bank account, to which, the family will only be withdrawing from to pay for the operation itself.

The family, are trying to carry on as normal under these circumstances, still trying to keep their other children happy, while their sister does battle. This does include going out for meals, days out etc, trying to make the most of their time together. Yet still, some people turn around and say pathetic things like "Oh they went out and had a meal, that was paid for by all the money being raised" or "Its not an official charity" etc.

My current understanding of the charity system is that Millie can only be classed as a cause, not a charity... when it comes to fund-raising that is. Certain business' within the local area have already refused to help host fund-raising events because there's no charity numbers that can be given, which is fine, they're entitled to do so, but it does speak volumes about that company and how much they're really wanting to help Millie's family when it comes to money.

Other people who start saying all of this rubbish, or who pass it on, are also adding to the problem, so let me put it into simple terms.

Medical treatment for Millie will not be around forever. The uk's NHS cannot do the proceedure which from what i can gather, is only available in germany at the moment. We literally are down to month's to try and raise the money needed and we are not making huge amounts of progress, although the hope is still there that we will.

I can only hope that the people who are creating these rumour's are faced with a dilemma like the Heaton family are, let others spread rumours about them... see how much they like it then.

Some people are shameful.

However, on a more positive note.... Please click here for Millie's facebook page.

Thank you for reading.

Could i make such a big change?

No.

Is, well, simply how to answer the topic of this one.

This time round i'm talking about trans people. Pre-op, post-op, m2f, f2m, transgender, transexual.... whatever you call it these days, this is my relation to the trans part of the LGBT community.

This actually is the first time i think i've ever publically given an opinion when it comes to trans people, but mainly it's because... i'm meeting them. Don't get me wrong, i've never held anything against the trans community, i've just never spent much time trying to look into things, although i think now is the time for me to spend abit more time looking into the rest of the LGBT community as we begin to move for futher equality.

I've always held a little bit of respect for trans people, truth be told. I can't imagine how it must be, to be wanting such a change in my life, having to live as a different sex, knowing that isn't the true me. My only slight feeling like that was knowing i was gay and not telling anybody, but all's i had to do was to come out and the job was done, i felt fine as i was. With trans people, thats only the start of their journey and there's always such a long way to go, both mentally and physically.

I also think that some people, wether it's through not knowing enough about trans people or... whatever, it's important to know that despite the whole series of op's and endless mental tasks, trans people are still just that.... people.

It has amazed me recently at how much i've formed a friendship with someone who's still going through the change, for starters, i'd never have known unless he said it to me and i'm amazed that all of my thoughts of what i thought a trans person to be like have been fired out of the window. I mean, with him (You may notice, i'm not naming this person here... that is on purpose... he doesn't know i'm writing this) i've still not sat down and had a good chat about some of the questions that float around my brain. I've seen his scars and have spoken a little bit about what is happening to him etc, but you probably know by now that i'm always the nosie one.

I of course know, even without having to have been told, that each person is going to go through the change for different reasons, i know that each of them do it in a bid to make themselves feel better and truer to them real selves afterwards. I know it cannot be an easy thing to first of all decide, but to go through either.

I do feel that it's all time that we could start to look into the trans community and begin to try and understand it. Of course not everybody is going to agree with it, or like it, but welcome to the rest of the LGBT community.

As i draw to a close, that's about all i can say really. I'm on a learning path and it's a topic that i'll probably never get bored of learning about, but it's also time to join the voices of the trans community and speak out where inequality is seen. I ask you to join me in this and begin making your own learning path.

How to handle a dj, your guide to....

It's actually quite rare for me to do or say something like this, yet as we move forward with all of our techy gadgets, i think it's about time we re-draw the lines on what a dj does, what you can expect and the basic do's and don'ts when it comes to your dj.

Years ago, the typical dj would have some vynal and if you jumped too hard on the dance floor, you'd make the track skip. Then came along cassette tapes, this reduced the track skipping, but was never too much of a popular option with dj's, i mean, who had time for rewinding and fast forwarding tapes? We moved onto cd's, but as with vynal, these tended to skip and of course cd's don't last forever.

These days you'll find most dj's with a laptop and a screen for doing karaoke or playing music video's, not forgetting of course that over the years your typical dj has seen a change in music, attitude and the tech stuff that people have and bring to parties. Here's some of the don't do stuff, that is really going to rub the dj up the wrong way and in the long term, probably make the dj dislike you a little more.

• Don't ask if you can plug in your mp3 player.
  - Dj's these days are packed with their own music, if they don't have what you want then try asking for something a little more popular, they're bound to have it. If you want a party where you and your mp3 player are the dj, hire your own sound and lighting equipment.
• Don't tell the dj to turn a song off part way through, or complain it's not what you like.
  - Dj's are there to play all sorts of different songs, just because you don't like it doesn't mean that it's not liked by someone else at the event. It's also possible these days to have an empty dance floor, yet everyone who's sat down to be enjoying the song.
• Don't expect the dj to be the baby sitter.
  - While it is possible for dj's to be vetted out with all these criminal checks and such, we are there to dj, not look after your children. If a fire door is open and your child walks through it, it's still your child. If a child goes near dj equipment, sure, LED lighting isn't hot to the touch, yet smoke machines can still give off alot of heat and of course cables can be tripped over and most importantly, everything the dj is is electrical, theres always a risk of shock. Look after your children at events!!!!
• Don't complain to the dj if your song cannot be played.
  - More and more often these days, 10 minutes before the end of the party, i'll have a que of people requesting songs. They forget all the people that have asked for songs before them and as a result, some people get un-happy when told "Im sorry, i've not got time to play that". Always get your requests in early, us dj's know when to play songs and when not to, so if it's not played next, it will be on soon.
• Don't keep asking for the same song over and over again, we get bored, so do the crowed.
  - This happend alot when gangnam style first came onto the scene, it wasn't rare for me to have to play it 2/3 times per party. I quickly grew tired of the song, but so did the crowed. You may well love a song, but when it comes to keeping the love of that song, less certainly is more.

The list really could go on much longer, but i think thats kind of the main stuff coverd there. Now we've coverd most of the don't do's, what about the good to do things?

• Do give us compliments!
  - We're cheap, if we've chosen the right music for you and at the end of the event you've really enjoyed yourself, please give us some feedback. If you see an area for improvement, we will always listen, but make sure you're just going to insult us.
• Do understand our job.
  - As a dj, our job is to cater to the masses. If you request a song that you and us know, only you are going to want to sing along to, we're probably not going to play it, because we're too busy trying to keep the majority of people happy.
• Do speak to us before the event.
  - Dj's who work for agencies will know exactly where i'm coming from here. The first time we'll have contact with the person who's party it is, will be at the event... even then it's down to us to say hello to you? No. It's your party and while we are there to cater to the masses, it's down to you to tell us what sort of music you and your audience will like.
• Do leave us to get on with our work.
  - Even though we may be using a laptop, there's alot of skill that still goes into being a dj that you might not understand. Sometimes it can be playing around with the base levels, mixing, controling the lights etc, theres usually something for a dj to do, even if it's just thinking ahead as to what the next track will be. For all of this, we need our brain, so if you're not requesting a song then please leave us to get on with our work.
• Do enjoy yourself!
  - Can't believe i even have to put this, but yes, enjoy yourself at an event! You're all there to enjoy yourself in one way or another, so what if the lights a little bright, the music's a little loud, it's a party, enjoy it!

Us dj's can make or break an event, trust me, it helps to keep us happy!!!!

Let's talk about sex.

Hi mum, stop reading.

Hi nana, i didn't know you could use the itnernet but the same applies to you as above.... oh and any other family reading...

As i sit here at 4:10am typing this out, i can feel that my sexual fire's have been relit and it feels... amazing. You see for me sex has always been abit of a "blah" kind of topic, sure i've made endless sexual jokes and certainly had some fun in my time, but for a while now i've kept myself back from the sexual scene.... until recently.

Sex for me as some of you may have read before started at a young age, fooling around. It wasn't amazing, but it was fun while it lasted. As i've grown up and moved from relationship to relationship and of course had the usual one night stands, sex has always been a part of my life. Sex for me has never really been mind blowingly amazing, i mean sure, it was fun, but there was never really something that made me sit up and go "wow, that was ace, lets do it again".

After my last attempt at sex was kind of awful, i wanted to keep myself back, partly through a lack of confidence and motivation. I was busy finding myself out first (in a sort of personality sense). I had a lack of confidence because of a lack of money... yes, money of all things. This was all until recently.

I changed a few weeks ago and it was literally over nothing, but already, i've got a plan in store.

You see, while random sex is all fun and games, it does allow a person to practise and learn, for me, this is just what is needed. Sure i will return to dating soon, but for the mean time, im just having fun and lots of it.

Along the way this time, im learning new things about myself and continuing to impress myself with what im now able to do. Yes, that does reffer to certain things in the bedroom, which maybe one day i'll explain to you about.

But for now... my sex life is making a come back :)