Thursday 31 January 2013

Self imposed love life ban?

This is probably something you would read and think either "Wow that was honest" or "That must have been difficult to write", but truth of the matter is, what i say in this is completely how i feel at the moment. I'm not saying that thing's wont change in the future, but theres a few thing's i need to explain first.

You know how some people tear themselves apart infront of you, you often feel obliged to say the usual "Don't feel like that" or "You're not that bad", but here's where i need to stop you. When my mind is made up, it's made up. I don't require nor request any sympathy from anybody.

See, let's take thing's back a little bit here....

My first boyfriend, as we've spoken about before on here, tried to cheat on me with my brother. After him, there was another who was really good looking, but i've since found out, was basically a two timing, money grabbing whore. After him i took a break from wanting men and went back to just sleeping with anyone that would have me, while not actually wanting a relationship, people got hurt by it and it's not something i'm wanting to repeat anytime soon.

Skipping forward abit, my last attempt at getting into a relationship failed. Yeah me and him keep in touch now, but i kind of let my emotion's get involved too soon and jelousy seemed to be the one that took over.

I place the whole jelousy issue on what happend in the first relationship, not wanting a repeat of that drives me insane because i want to make sure that i'm not being cheated on, that nothing is going on that i wouldn't like. I don't like the person i become when i'm like that, so how to solve a problem like it?

Friends of mine (whom i won't name) have been able to carry on a full relationship, despite one cheating on the other, other's have been sent completely off the tracks by it.

I decided to take myself away from it all. It's not to say that it's going to hold me single forever, but talking openly doesn't seem to cure those feelings that i feel when i get jelous.

I know i'm also not the only person who has feelings like this. Talking with a friend a few weeks back, something had happend to him with a guy that he liked and from being told about the situation, i knew exactly how he felt. The whole sickly feeling in the tummy, the wanting to get away from the situation and then of course the sleepless nights that follow while your brain tries to think about what happend.

A different friend of mine told me a few night's ago that it can feel awkward talking about being in a relationship around me, because i never seem to be in the mood for one or interested. Almost true. I love to see other's happy, let's just get that straight now. If someone i know is in a relationship that makes them happy, then i'm happy for them too. But i think there's a time when everyone just needs to know why i'm not interested in a relationship and keep putting the walls up when the chance of getting into one arrives.

1) The jelousy.

These feelings can't be stopped in a short time and for some reason this issue sticks with me. I don't like the person that i become when i am jelous and in previous experiance too, it can put a stop to relationships or people even wanting to get to know me in that sense.

2) How i feel about my looks.

Hands up high, i'll admit it, i'm not the best looking guy in the world. Not the worst, but by no means the best. I'm fully aware of this, but as depressing as it can be, having to admit that you're not a good looking person, my attitude is, i've got what i've got, so i either go with it or lose out on everything. So im sort of fine with my looks, but i just don't quite let others compliment my looks (Some do try and they don't even have guide dog's! ha! hi-five!), i normally just brush it off saying "Oh they're a friend, they're bound to say that".

3) The desire to be happy.

True, i would love nothing more than to be in a full on relationship. I do badly miss having someone to cuddle upto in bed, someone to help with day to day things, someone to go through life with me and most importantly, grow old with me.

But the desire for that is taking over my head, meaning i don't want all the stuff that goes before-hand. I hate first dates with a passion, since i either end up drunk and putting someone off me, or if i find them good looking then it would be awkward as hell, because THAT is when i get shy. Put me in a room of 200 people and i can be on the stage entertaining away, sit me down with a good looking guy and BOOM! I stop talking and just really withdraw into myself.

I know what i want, but the path to getting it is unclear, with even less of a desire to want to clear that path.

4) Enjoying myself.

Ok so im not the best person in the world, but i know what makes me happy and how to cheer myself up. I live by myself and actually do enjoy my time alone which can seem odd to others. I do enjoy my own company far too much and that has resulted in me at times, being ungreatful when people have called me, or popped around to visit me.

5) Not wanting the future, today.

I'm more than aware that some friends of mine will be reading this and will send the usual messages afterwards, saying how one day i'll be happy, I'll find someone nice and all that jazz, but truth be told, i'm kind of not wanting a relationship. I know what i have to offer into a relationship, fully, but it's nothing to what people are going to want. Until i'm happy with the way i want to be in a relationship, then i'll be keeping myself single, even if that means pushing away who could turn out to be the love of my life, for the time being, i'm just not interested.


Finally?

I, as some of you may well know, am a gay. I don't hide the fact and yes i do often scream and shout it, but here's the deal. I don't have many gay friends, like, actual friends who i can go and have a drink with, but not end up in bed with them. I love to have friends who know what i'm talking about, who i can talk about absolute filth with, but then it not leading to sex. So if you find me talking with someone, who, yes, may well be very good looking, i'd rather have them as a friend in my life for the time being.

I do enjoy seeing others happy, it makes me happy, and i love to try and help others become happy if they want my help. My happyness will come one day or another, that i'm sure of.

I don't suffer with being lonely, i just enjoy being with myself.

So for now, me and my cup of tea are fecking off to bed.

G'nite :)

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