Bye Wife, I Guess...

     I can't quite believe that it is almost 2 years since i last wrote on here. 2 years and what a different world we live in. When we first went into lockdown i didn't really think i would change that much, sure, i expected to find fun in new things, maybe even pick up a hobby or two, yet, i still find myself shocked at how much i personally am feeling the change.

    I write here though, today, with my mindset feeling better than it has done in a while and certainly my anxiety is feeling less, yet, i'm not supposed to feel like this. You may ask, what happened?

    Many moons ago as people who know me can verify, i became friends with a girl named Sian when we both worked in KFC. Over the years we basically became like a married couple until one day when we were bickering about something, and i remember Sian messaged me and said "I can't do this anymore, i'm done" and blocked me in every way she could. We both moved on in life and everything seemed great, i got a new flat and moved etc. Now, my memory has faded a bit but we ended up back in touch, actually met up twice too! Things were never the same though, i don't know what it was, but things just felt different, like we couldn't be ourselves around each other, and rather quickly contact was dropped. 

    During the lockdowns i began to use my social media more, posting video's of stuff from my Youtube, tagging people etc, and everyone seemed to be responding as expected tbh. One friend i had gotten back in touch with was Ian, remember him from the Bev & Ian video's? Well, we were messaging and then he went through a horrible time in his life because of things that happened, but i tried to be a good friend, but weirdly contact went to nothing. Every now and again i'd get a few messages off him and we would have a catch up, which was nice. One night i messaged him a picture of Sian's baby and said "Don't you think she looks like Paul?" who is a person all 3 of us know for various reasons, but i don't think any of us are in contact with anymore. However, it was a joke, but Ian was going through his no contact bit again, so i didn't mind. 

    Last night i quite late on got a message off Sian to say that she had seen the message in person so i can't deny i sent it, and that although her partner found it funny, she didn't and now, what little respect she had for me has now gone and to not talk about her or her baby again. She then blocked me on everything while i spent time trying to think "What message?". I then remembered that the only thing i had said about Sian was the baby joke to Ian. 

    Then, i saw why he had gone quiet with me. 

    So, i've removed Ian from my social media and i've also blocked Sian too, so if she changes her mind in the future, oh well, she can't. Weirdly though, i'm not bothered about this. If you can't take a joke then fine, but it's the thought that these two have been in touch (Ian also has his own business, so it's possible they have met in person) and spoken about me and probably gone into detail about how they're glad they no longer talk to me etc. Not going to lie, that bit actually makes me laugh, to think, i'm obviously living in their heads rent free at the moment. 

    Why isn't this bothering me though? I've spent today driving around asking myself the same thing. To be honest i think it's a relief now not having to worry about what others are thinking of me, thinking i'll have to be the first one to get in touch or i'll be seen as the bad friend... well, no more. Lockdown has taught me that i prefer animals over humans anyway and i am over the idea of having friends tbh, i'd rather sit at home, doing what i want, rather than worrying about what others are thinking. 

So, goodbye Wifey, the friendship was a roller coaster and we held on for the ride, but i'm glad it's gotten back into the station and we can get off and go our seperate ways. It was fun, but, oh well, bye.

The mind wonders about Hi De Hi.

This started a while ago when I fell in love with the old TV show called Hi De Hi.

For those who don't know, it's a fictional holiday camp where you follow the entertainments team over 2 seasons and all of their goings on. It's hilarious even to this day. It had a charm about it, an innocence if you will.

I became bored for some time on Grindr and changed my entire profile to be that of Peggy Ollerenshaw the chalet maid. Yes you'd get men wanting sex (she was played by a very young sue pollard so they can't be blamed) but some people got the joke and would inbox me asking how my day was, usually I'd reply with some random statement saying about Mr fairbrother and how he was going to get me another interview to become a yellow coat. Some people however didn't get the humour, they thought Peggy was real. They actually thought I was a cleaner working on a holiday Park in Clacton-on-sea (a place which doesn't exist).

Around that time I gave my mind the freedom to wonder, what ever happened to the characters after the last episode when they all went their separate ways, knowing yellow coats were a thing of the past. Here's where my mind took me....

Maplins Holiday Camps. 

Maplins is no more, unfortunately. For about 3 years after the yellow coats left people would return, but they stopped coming. The first season with no yellow coats was awful, people just didn't know they weren't there. They'd ask the staff "where is Ted?", but nobody really knew. The parks did change though, self catering became their way, meaning the dining hall sat empty for a year or so, until Joe managed to get some cheap arcade games, he stuck them in there and encouraged everyone to try their luck. Entertainment wise, well day time became dull, there was the pool and a little bit of a park, but that was it. In the evening the new head of entertainment would introduce the band and the dancing would begin, only to be interupted by an act at about 9pm. The acts might have been comedy or a singer, but nothing amazing.

Joe eventually after 4 years sold Maplins for a pretty penny, the new company kept the branding and even brought back the yellow coats, but by then the damage was done, people weren't interested in what they saw as "old" fun and the parks soon closed their doors for good.

Ted Bovis. 

The man, the Legend. He gave most of his life to Maplins, certainly helped the company and site out a number of times over the years. Ted went from strength to strength after leaving, he released an LP of "holiday hits" which went down a storm and even became number 1 in the UK charts. He presented a TV series on a Saturday night for about 2 years and he thought everything was great. He did go back to Maplins, once a week in its final season as a special guest. He would often remark about how things used to be at the site and how it could never go back to how it was. Ted went on to have a new wife and the two of them toured an act together until their dying days.

Spike Dixon. 

Being the funny man for 2 long seasons took its toll on Spike. He left the company feeling sure about his future, only to find out that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He married April which was lovely, but after 2 children and calling time on his comedy career his marriage fell apart and he went back to the usual 9 to 5 job. He always wanted to make people smile, many say he was the highlight of the office day, which he liked, because it hid his deep depression which he developed after becoming bored of his routine but finding no way out.

Peggy Ollerenshaw. 

Ah Peggy, there's nobody quite like her is there! She did indeed stay on at Maplins right until the company closed its doors, I think with the hope that she would once again become a yellow coat, but alas, she never did. Once the company closed she returned home and began taking any work she could. She did eventually find her path in life however, she worked in promotions for various companies and could often be found on high street corners shouting about special offers and getting into trouble for trying to get everyone involved in what she was doing. She was always great for business.

Yvonne / Julian. 

They left Maplins with their eyes on the prize of a new start in Australia and they really did do it! They made their way over and set up a dance school, teaching people the art of the ballroom dance. They kept their grace and professionalism at all times, they even won some awards, not for dancing, but things like "dance school of the year" and such. Those certificates are still shown today in the family home, as they have since both retired from dancing and now they merely rub shoulders with the rich and famous.

Glad / Clive. 

That famous voice of the announcements at Maplins and he, the squadron leader both went on to... Well actually they just ran the zoo at his father's estate. They did introduce new things like rides and tours etc, but nothing could get in the way of their love, it was always cute seeing the two of them together. They eventually retired in Wales and enjoyed walks around the countryside with fresh fish and chips.

And that's it. That's as far as my brain would wonder. It never happened as above, that's all what my brain thought of. The show however did become a musical on stage shows, but is best remembered for being on TV. The cast have since had several reunions and in one they even returned to the site where they filmed the show, it's now a housing estate, but do you remember them really tall trees by the pool? They're still there to this day! 

The show will forever be, in my eyes, one of the best shows ever made. I'd love for there to be a modern version, but I think I might be alone in that.

The fine line

There's a fine line between life and death that we don't often talk about.

Like tonight on my road where I live. I live on a corner, down one side tonight there was a community party, 20 minutes of party dances and games, but on the other side there was 2 private ambulances which for those who don't know, they collect dead bodies.

Later in the evening there was 3 private ambulances along with 6 staff, 4 police and the fire brigade, all masked up because of the covid outbreak. 

I don't know what caused the whole crew to turn up for a death, but for a while I felt as if I was in the middle between life and death. Life being the party, people making the most out of a bad situation we currently find ourselves in, while meters away death has happened. I questioned a few times if the party should go ahead, was it disrespectful to whomever had passed away for the whole neighbourhood to have a party, or was it right? Was it a sign that life goes on.

It's a difficult call really, I suppose there's no right or wrong answer. I remember after my Nana had passed away that I had to get the message through into my mind that life does go on. At times I could almost hear my Nana's voice saying "Stop being stupid, it's only me, go and do something". I guess the whole situation in my head over tonight comes down to personal preference.

I like to think whoever it was that passed away knows the party wasn't celebrating their leaving, infact most of the neighbours didn't even know what was happening as they couldn't see anything. Should life take presidence over death, or does death command that life stops, if only for a moment?

I guess that is up to you...

Dropping the N-word on Twitter...

Well, my Twitter became a "fun" place to be over the past few days. Currently I'm still serving a 1 week ban, not for my original tweet (which twitter has no problem with despite it having been reported hundreds of times), but because of a reply I made to one of the hundreds of abusive users which decided to contact me over the past few days.

Where did it all begin?

Well, the tweet basically made the point that the N-word is basically the straight version of Queer, a word which has been used for decades as a derogatory term and how queer hasn't been reclaimed, it isn't a sexuality. 

I still very much stand by this point.

However, a white person using the N-word stirred up a lot of hatred. Several users saw about it being the 1 year since passing of my Nana, and hoped that she was "resting in piss" or "burning in hell". I got told I should be murdered, burned alive, beaten, made disabled and much, much more.

Although hundreds of people got in touch with me over the tweet, thousands of people saw the tweet and didn't bother getting in touch - more than likely because they don't care.

A large chunk of people told me I was a white supremacist and racist for even typing the word, then went on to say I shouldn't use it.

A white person shouldn't use the word.

Let's swap that sentence for a second here...

A black person shouldn't use the word.

Many of you reading that would assume the 2nd one is racist there, but actually, BOTH sentences are racist. It is telling people, based on the colour of their skin, that they cannot use a certain word. However, many people refused to see the racism in the first sentence, some even going as far as saying "it isn't possible to be racist to a white person".

What else did I face? Let's see...

3 of my friends were contacted through Facebook with messages like this...

... You get the idea.

Now unfortunately for her, my friends (a lot of them, not all) are supportive of me and some even agree with what I said.

I had an email to my company email address off someone trying to get me sacked, however, it being a self employed deal meant it was quite dumb of the gentleman to email, because the email just got deleted.

So you can see, people really tried to ruin me, over a word which in truth, caused them no offense or problems. I did report many of the tweets I received (around 200 reports were made) and around 50 accounts had to remove their tweets and faced time out on the platform where they cannot tweet or do anything for a set amount of time.

I think my block list almost doubled in size too, because I am not wanting contact from idiots again in the future.

Anyway, the whole point of this was to explain my side of the story in a way that people can actually read. It isn't racist for a white person to use the N-word. It isn't denying the history of the black community, it isn't being said in a disrespectful manor and certainly isn't causing offense to the majority of people these days.

Oh, the best thing was a tweet that said "he's lost friends because of this", and let me explain why that is funny. So we all know of people who will try to start an argument with you because you hold a different opinion than them, well a friend of mine from years ago called Jakey turned into one of those people. Over the past few months he had tried to argue with me over pretty much everything he could, so of course he was determined that he would fall out with me over this tweet. He tweeted that he was ashamed he had called me a friend for so long, which is where the losing friends tweet came from. Was he a friend? In the past year or so, no, he wasn't. Have I lost any sleep because he's decided to not have contact with me? No. I also think it's him that leaked my Facebook and friends details, which isn't really surprising if true.

The original tweet has been seen around 49,000 times at the time of posting this, it gathered less than 500 responses. I'd say the figures speak for themselves, the majority of people just aren't bothered.

And they shouldn't be, because equality is what we strive for.

The San Francisco bug

I've caught it. Simple as really.

Long story short, I was the winner of a prize on a radio station, the prize was to go to a gig of any artist, anywhere in the world. I chose Cher in San Francisco. 

Well, you can try and act shocked!

Anyway, I went, had the most amazing trip I could have ever wanted, but since coming home I'm now struggling to fit back in to my own life. I want to be back there! 

I actually believe this could be the change in my life that I want. It's such a different way of life that my mind cannot get over how much this could be me, living there.

Certainly, the city isn't without its problems, homeless is out of control, and I'm only looking at figures and dreaming... But I really do believe I could make a go of this.

I mean, look at this... https://my.matterport.com/show/?model=TqWBjpQQqH9 

How amazing is that? And looking over at city hall too! I just cannot stop myself from wanting to go, wanting the lifestyle change.

We shall see what happens.

How to handle yourself.

It feels kinda cheeky that i'm writing this, a man who has been going through so much stuff recently that i haven't been out of my home in over a week, but i want to explain to you my experience and what you may be able to learn from it.

So for those watching my BevRants channel, you may have seen that i've been having a hard time of late....

Click here to view the Podcast

In short, it's been an awful time for me. While i thought my brain and body would be strong enough  that maybe i'd cry a few times and all that, but i wasn't ready for the inability to leave my home. I wasn't ready to be sleeping all day and seemingly unable to reset my body clock. I wasn't ready to cut off my family, friends, loved ones....

In this current mindset i often find myself having thoughts that i am alone, unloved and unable to function through life much longer... and yes, that does mean thoughts of ending my life. In reality i am very lucky that i do have an amazing support network of people around me who mean the absolute world to me, because i only have to put one status on facebook and my phone won't stop ringing with people wanting to know i'm ok and asking "what can we do to help you?".

It's a lovely thing to have and i know i am a lucky person to have such a support in my life, some people really don't have it.

That said, what can be learned? What can i tell others to do to help themselves get out of my type of mindset?

Well, firstly, accept you feel the way that you do. Accepting how you feel isn't admitting defeat at all, it's the first step to getting yourself better again. Look at what your mood is like, what your food is like, are you as close to your friends and/or family as you were? What can you do to throw that olive branch out there to get some support?

Next is to distract yourself. Write, it really does help to calm your thoughts down when your head is spinning with thoughts. Watch a video on a topic you have never even thought about before. Like, recently i've relied a lot on the likes of Shammi ...

And Jackson...

Who are able to put a smile on my face, and smiling really does help, even if it's only an internal smile.

Move around all you can, go and sit in a different room for a bit, even if you're stuck watching your phone or whatever, the difference can help you to boost your mood.

Find tips on self-help, never KNOW that you're lonely because you aren't. Feeling lonely is different to actually being lonely. There's always a charity phone number you can get hold of and you can call for a talk.

Eventually you will find yourself able to get back to normal, if only for a day or two, make the most of it when that happens because life is tough for us all at times. Treat yourself often and learn some self-love.

Dear Nana

For context, on the 7th of February my Nana (grandmother) passed away. At her funeral I read a letter I wrote to Nana called dear Nana.

This is further on from that.

Dear Nana,

What a weird 3 weeks it has been. I know in the letter I read at your funeral I said about how things started to feel real that you had passed, but it seems my brain isn't ready to let me realise you're no longer here, yet. I more and more often think "I'll call Nana" and then realise I can't.

It doesn't feel real. The feeling is, numbness. I laughed with everyone in the funeral car at how we used to drive to other funerals and you'd say "I wonder who is next", do you remember? Ha! I remember at aunty marjories funeral you spent ages telling maureen it was going to be her after you, but then I think there was another man there who was older, so you said "oh well, you're next then".

Today on the phone they said they're collecting your ashes and mum agreed that we would collect you on Monday. Do you watch us and feel scared like me? If I'm honest I'm shitting myself because I'm about to see a box, and that's you, that's all that remains. I'm scared that this is when my brain tells me, that's you inside it and that you're not sat at home, in your chair, waiting for me to call.

You probably heard the water company, saying that someone else has moved into your flat, they didn't hang around did they! But I suppose you wouldn't be offended by that, I think you'd try and make the point that life goes on.

Thing is, life does go on and day by day we will learn to live without you being here in the physical sense. I hope you're listening to us when we talk to you.

I hope you know that I am sorry. I'm stuffed with guilt that for those weeks you were in hospital I told you over and over that you were coming home. I spent night after night on the phone to suny and we both agreed that you'd nail this, that you'd be home in what would seem like no time. I feel like I lied to you, that I should have said to you that if you didn't come home that would be ok, but I didn't, I couldn't. By the time we were told that they were ending your active care, it's as if you weren't really there anymore. I remember seeing you on that Wednesday morning and how shocked I was to see you trying to climb out the bed to take yourself to the toilet. You looked at me as I tried to get you back in the bed, as I hit that call button for the nurses and while I was maybe calm to you, I was shaking with anger that you had been left to get into that state.

I remember your freak out. I remember that the last thing you said about me was in your freak out and you screamed "Kevin wouldn't hurt me, he wouldn't hurt me" and you know, as scary as that freak out was, seeing you so distressed, it still warms my heart to know that deep down you knew I had your back, that I'd never let any harm come to you and that I love you. I also know, you love me too.

I know you'd be sorry for the way you were, do you remember that Thursday in that little room, we told you all the things you had been saying to us while you had been in hospital. You laughed, we laughed, you rolled your eyes and said "did I really say all that?". That Thursday was beautiful, I felt like I had my Nana back and I was so happy, I didn't know that we were then into our final week with you.

Did you see me recording that video last night? I couldn't help but get upset and you're the one person I wish I could hug and hold. I know I can't though. Just please show me a sign that you forgive me, I didn't know you'd not come home, I honestly thought you could have done this, but I understand that your body had had enough. You honestly never gave up the fight.

I hate so much that you have left us, I really do, but I know that it was your time. I know it was the best thing for you and that you'd have been glad we were there when you left us. They said that the ears still work for a few moments after a person dies, which is why I had to say "thank you for everything", it's all I could think to say apart from "go in peace".

I don't think I'll ever stop missing you. Did you see that price list of the plaque and all that? I could hear your voice in my head going "how much???" followed by you telling us not to waste money like that.

I love you Nana. I hope you're reading this and I don't want to stop typing. Here come the tears!

I can't think of how to close this, but just know I love you and everyone here loves you. I'll speak to you soon, goodnight Nana xxxxx