Tuesday 3 November 2015

Depression and me. Part 1.

Recently I said on a BevRants YouTube video that I was on anti-depressants, which seemed to shock some people. When coming to write material like this, I have found it hard more recently to keep my mind focused on the topic i'm supposed to be dealing with and my sleeping pattern has all but vanished with a constant feeling of tiredness having been over me for the past few months now.

It all seemed to start a small while ago when my nana (grandmother) underwent an operation on what was called a large hernia. The operation itself seemed to go to plan, but bringing her back around from it seemed to take up most of the day, so of course we were all worried. After that she ended up in hospital for the following 2 weeks, almost 3 weeks, because of several complications and much of that time was spent on the hospital's critical care unit, where one day and night in particular, we thought we were on the verge of having said our last goodbye's to her.

As is becoming usual with my nana though, she is stronger than many of us give her credit for and she managed to make a full recovery, which is brilliant news and has reaffirmed to us all, how precious she is in our lives.

During the time all this was going on however, I spent much of my time worried and unable to feel as if I could just "switch off". My days and nights were spent at the hospital waiting around or being in visiting her. Once she made it out of hospital, life could sort of go back to normal for us, only, it didn't for me.

The feeling of being tired took over for me, I found it very rare that I could have a full day without thinking "i really want to be in my bed" and that is how it has stayed. This lack of sleeping ability with some other issues that were going on in my life, lead me to contact my doctor, whom, at my first appointment agreed with me that indeed, some sort of other therapy should be sort after before the use of any drugs to try and see if my apparent depression would be solved this way.

After about a month, it turned out that no, nothing was improving for me, infact, feeling like things were only getting worse is how I would describe that time. So, I went back to the doctors who agreed that now, medication was the only way forward, along with other therapies too, like talking with a councillor etc.

I began my treatment of medication and within a few days, I did notice some improvements, my sleeping pattern seemed to be picking up and I for the first time in along time, felt like I could get a good nights sleep.

That was all well and good up until about 2 weeks ago. I came back onto my youtube creators bit and the thought of making a video, worried me. I quickly closed the page amid thoughts of "what would you do a video about anyway" or "you haven't got a mobile working camera yet, so you can't do it". My feeling of being constantly tired has also come back to trouble me and most of my days now are spent on a bed, sleeping or just having a lack of motivation to do anything.

While it is possible that the medication could be just starting to take effect and that maybe I should look at other medications if I feel this one isn't for me, i'm putting myself out there with this situation.

I know I am not the only person to suffer with even a mild version of depression. It takes on many different forms and I know for a fact that many people reading this will go "yip, that's how it was for me".

I will make other parts to this and try to tell you all as much as I can about my history with depression and hopefully, it might clear my mind and be able to let me go back to being able to focus.

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