The fine line

There's a fine line between life and death that we don't often talk about.

Like tonight on my road where I live. I live on a corner, down one side tonight there was a community party, 20 minutes of party dances and games, but on the other side there was 2 private ambulances which for those who don't know, they collect dead bodies.

Later in the evening there was 3 private ambulances along with 6 staff, 4 police and the fire brigade, all masked up because of the covid outbreak. 

I don't know what caused the whole crew to turn up for a death, but for a while I felt as if I was in the middle between life and death. Life being the party, people making the most out of a bad situation we currently find ourselves in, while meters away death has happened. I questioned a few times if the party should go ahead, was it disrespectful to whomever had passed away for the whole neighbourhood to have a party, or was it right? Was it a sign that life goes on.

It's a difficult call really, I suppose there's no right or wrong answer. I remember after my Nana had passed away that I had to get the message through into my mind that life does go on. At times I could almost hear my Nana's voice saying "Stop being stupid, it's only me, go and do something". I guess the whole situation in my head over tonight comes down to personal preference.

I like to think whoever it was that passed away knows the party wasn't celebrating their leaving, infact most of the neighbours didn't even know what was happening as they couldn't see anything. Should life take presidence over death, or does death command that life stops, if only for a moment?

I guess that is up to you...

Dropping the N-word on Twitter...

Well, my Twitter became a "fun" place to be over the past few days. Currently I'm still serving a 1 week ban, not for my original tweet (which twitter has no problem with despite it having been reported hundreds of times), but because of a reply I made to one of the hundreds of abusive users which decided to contact me over the past few days.

Where did it all begin?

Well, the tweet basically made the point that the N-word is basically the straight version of Queer, a word which has been used for decades as a derogatory term and how queer hasn't been reclaimed, it isn't a sexuality. 

I still very much stand by this point.

However, a white person using the N-word stirred up a lot of hatred. Several users saw about it being the 1 year since passing of my Nana, and hoped that she was "resting in piss" or "burning in hell". I got told I should be murdered, burned alive, beaten, made disabled and much, much more.

Although hundreds of people got in touch with me over the tweet, thousands of people saw the tweet and didn't bother getting in touch - more than likely because they don't care.

A large chunk of people told me I was a white supremacist and racist for even typing the word, then went on to say I shouldn't use it.

A white person shouldn't use the word.

Let's swap that sentence for a second here...

A black person shouldn't use the word.

Many of you reading that would assume the 2nd one is racist there, but actually, BOTH sentences are racist. It is telling people, based on the colour of their skin, that they cannot use a certain word. However, many people refused to see the racism in the first sentence, some even going as far as saying "it isn't possible to be racist to a white person".

What else did I face? Let's see...

3 of my friends were contacted through Facebook with messages like this...

... You get the idea.

Now unfortunately for her, my friends (a lot of them, not all) are supportive of me and some even agree with what I said.

I had an email to my company email address off someone trying to get me sacked, however, it being a self employed deal meant it was quite dumb of the gentleman to email, because the email just got deleted.

So you can see, people really tried to ruin me, over a word which in truth, caused them no offense or problems. I did report many of the tweets I received (around 200 reports were made) and around 50 accounts had to remove their tweets and faced time out on the platform where they cannot tweet or do anything for a set amount of time.

I think my block list almost doubled in size too, because I am not wanting contact from idiots again in the future.

Anyway, the whole point of this was to explain my side of the story in a way that people can actually read. It isn't racist for a white person to use the N-word. It isn't denying the history of the black community, it isn't being said in a disrespectful manor and certainly isn't causing offense to the majority of people these days.

Oh, the best thing was a tweet that said "he's lost friends because of this", and let me explain why that is funny. So we all know of people who will try to start an argument with you because you hold a different opinion than them, well a friend of mine from years ago called Jakey turned into one of those people. Over the past few months he had tried to argue with me over pretty much everything he could, so of course he was determined that he would fall out with me over this tweet. He tweeted that he was ashamed he had called me a friend for so long, which is where the losing friends tweet came from. Was he a friend? In the past year or so, no, he wasn't. Have I lost any sleep because he's decided to not have contact with me? No. I also think it's him that leaked my Facebook and friends details, which isn't really surprising if true.

The original tweet has been seen around 49,000 times at the time of posting this, it gathered less than 500 responses. I'd say the figures speak for themselves, the majority of people just aren't bothered.

And they shouldn't be, because equality is what we strive for.

The San Francisco bug

I've caught it. Simple as really.

Long story short, I was the winner of a prize on a radio station, the prize was to go to a gig of any artist, anywhere in the world. I chose Cher in San Francisco. 

Well, you can try and act shocked!

Anyway, I went, had the most amazing trip I could have ever wanted, but since coming home I'm now struggling to fit back in to my own life. I want to be back there! 

I actually believe this could be the change in my life that I want. It's such a different way of life that my mind cannot get over how much this could be me, living there.

Certainly, the city isn't without its problems, homeless is out of control, and I'm only looking at figures and dreaming... But I really do believe I could make a go of this.

I mean, look at this... https://my.matterport.com/show/?model=TqWBjpQQqH9 

How amazing is that? And looking over at city hall too! I just cannot stop myself from wanting to go, wanting the lifestyle change.

We shall see what happens.

How to handle yourself.

It feels kinda cheeky that i'm writing this, a man who has been going through so much stuff recently that i haven't been out of my home in over a week, but i want to explain to you my experience and what you may be able to learn from it.

So for those watching my BevRants channel, you may have seen that i've been having a hard time of late....

Click here to view the Podcast

In short, it's been an awful time for me. While i thought my brain and body would be strong enough  that maybe i'd cry a few times and all that, but i wasn't ready for the inability to leave my home. I wasn't ready to be sleeping all day and seemingly unable to reset my body clock. I wasn't ready to cut off my family, friends, loved ones....

In this current mindset i often find myself having thoughts that i am alone, unloved and unable to function through life much longer... and yes, that does mean thoughts of ending my life. In reality i am very lucky that i do have an amazing support network of people around me who mean the absolute world to me, because i only have to put one status on facebook and my phone won't stop ringing with people wanting to know i'm ok and asking "what can we do to help you?".

It's a lovely thing to have and i know i am a lucky person to have such a support in my life, some people really don't have it.

That said, what can be learned? What can i tell others to do to help themselves get out of my type of mindset?

Well, firstly, accept you feel the way that you do. Accepting how you feel isn't admitting defeat at all, it's the first step to getting yourself better again. Look at what your mood is like, what your food is like, are you as close to your friends and/or family as you were? What can you do to throw that olive branch out there to get some support?

Next is to distract yourself. Write, it really does help to calm your thoughts down when your head is spinning with thoughts. Watch a video on a topic you have never even thought about before. Like, recently i've relied a lot on the likes of Shammi ...

And Jackson...

Who are able to put a smile on my face, and smiling really does help, even if it's only an internal smile.

Move around all you can, go and sit in a different room for a bit, even if you're stuck watching your phone or whatever, the difference can help you to boost your mood.

Find tips on self-help, never KNOW that you're lonely because you aren't. Feeling lonely is different to actually being lonely. There's always a charity phone number you can get hold of and you can call for a talk.

Eventually you will find yourself able to get back to normal, if only for a day or two, make the most of it when that happens because life is tough for us all at times. Treat yourself often and learn some self-love.

Dear Nana

For context, on the 7th of February my Nana (grandmother) passed away. At her funeral I read a letter I wrote to Nana called dear Nana.

This is further on from that.

Dear Nana,

What a weird 3 weeks it has been. I know in the letter I read at your funeral I said about how things started to feel real that you had passed, but it seems my brain isn't ready to let me realise you're no longer here, yet. I more and more often think "I'll call Nana" and then realise I can't.

It doesn't feel real. The feeling is, numbness. I laughed with everyone in the funeral car at how we used to drive to other funerals and you'd say "I wonder who is next", do you remember? Ha! I remember at aunty marjories funeral you spent ages telling maureen it was going to be her after you, but then I think there was another man there who was older, so you said "oh well, you're next then".

Today on the phone they said they're collecting your ashes and mum agreed that we would collect you on Monday. Do you watch us and feel scared like me? If I'm honest I'm shitting myself because I'm about to see a box, and that's you, that's all that remains. I'm scared that this is when my brain tells me, that's you inside it and that you're not sat at home, in your chair, waiting for me to call.

You probably heard the water company, saying that someone else has moved into your flat, they didn't hang around did they! But I suppose you wouldn't be offended by that, I think you'd try and make the point that life goes on.

Thing is, life does go on and day by day we will learn to live without you being here in the physical sense. I hope you're listening to us when we talk to you.

I hope you know that I am sorry. I'm stuffed with guilt that for those weeks you were in hospital I told you over and over that you were coming home. I spent night after night on the phone to suny and we both agreed that you'd nail this, that you'd be home in what would seem like no time. I feel like I lied to you, that I should have said to you that if you didn't come home that would be ok, but I didn't, I couldn't. By the time we were told that they were ending your active care, it's as if you weren't really there anymore. I remember seeing you on that Wednesday morning and how shocked I was to see you trying to climb out the bed to take yourself to the toilet. You looked at me as I tried to get you back in the bed, as I hit that call button for the nurses and while I was maybe calm to you, I was shaking with anger that you had been left to get into that state.

I remember your freak out. I remember that the last thing you said about me was in your freak out and you screamed "Kevin wouldn't hurt me, he wouldn't hurt me" and you know, as scary as that freak out was, seeing you so distressed, it still warms my heart to know that deep down you knew I had your back, that I'd never let any harm come to you and that I love you. I also know, you love me too.

I know you'd be sorry for the way you were, do you remember that Thursday in that little room, we told you all the things you had been saying to us while you had been in hospital. You laughed, we laughed, you rolled your eyes and said "did I really say all that?". That Thursday was beautiful, I felt like I had my Nana back and I was so happy, I didn't know that we were then into our final week with you.

Did you see me recording that video last night? I couldn't help but get upset and you're the one person I wish I could hug and hold. I know I can't though. Just please show me a sign that you forgive me, I didn't know you'd not come home, I honestly thought you could have done this, but I understand that your body had had enough. You honestly never gave up the fight.

I hate so much that you have left us, I really do, but I know that it was your time. I know it was the best thing for you and that you'd have been glad we were there when you left us. They said that the ears still work for a few moments after a person dies, which is why I had to say "thank you for everything", it's all I could think to say apart from "go in peace".

I don't think I'll ever stop missing you. Did you see that price list of the plaque and all that? I could hear your voice in my head going "how much???" followed by you telling us not to waste money like that.

I love you Nana. I hope you're reading this and I don't want to stop typing. Here come the tears!

I can't think of how to close this, but just know I love you and everyone here loves you. I'll speak to you soon, goodnight Nana xxxxx

The most honest I can be...

https://youtu.be/dub_vXYQUKI

That's the link to my latest video over on the BevRants channel called "I want to kill myself".

Please watch.

what it's like

When I sit down to write a post my mind goes through a million and one thoughts, typically its "who is going to read this" or "is what I say that important". The truth is of course is that the writing is for my benefit, more than anything. It's a form of therapy and a calming trick used by lots of people who are going through stages of anxiety or even depression.

Today I sit and write down because I feel a better mood is on me, based on how I have been feeling the past few weeks. The loss of close friends hit me hard (I'll be coming onto that topic another time when I have my thoughts together on the matter) and now a close family member in hospital, it just seems to be one of them stages where it's one thing after another.

Don't get me wrong, not everything is bad at the moment, me and my boyfriend have booked a trip away to Scotland for next year, visiting another Haven site and I really cannot wait... check it out...

Looks like it could be good! Me and my boyfriend are very excited for not only the holiday but of course getting to explore Scotland which is a nation of beauty.

As I sit here and write this I'm reflecting on my day so far. It's a Saturday, its hot outside and it's 1:53pm at the moment. Already I've done battle with the clothes drier (which doesn't want to dry clothes), dipped myself and the dog in the pool, got dressed and managed to control my breathing in the pool while it was really cold (it's hard to do, but a trick I learned for anxiety attacks).

Today already I have done a lot, for me, and that's fine. Later on i'll go off to the hospital and visit my relative as she does what she can to make herself better, and i'll also get to spend some time with my mother, which is something I love to do, but not something I get to do all that often.

So, i'm writing this post, it's not very long, but it's an example to myself that I can publish work. I really haven't been in the mood for writing since my last post (oh god that was a while ago), I even downloaded the blogger app to encourage myself to write more, which clearly didn't work.

It's small steps on a bigger journey ive now got to go on to try and improve myself, to get me back to me.

So, see you here more often?