I am a work in progress, and always will be.

 Alcohol addiction treatment is something different than what I have ever gone through. While I have learned about myself and others, the realisation hit me the other day that I may never really know myself. I am, after all, going to be in recovery for the rest of my life.

    My journey began at the end of last year and I, next week, will be completing the 2nd part of my recovery and as I sit and type this i am beginning my 3rd part of treatment, but this one is done virtually via zoom, so i can do it from home and as it begins at 6pm, yes, i am doing this in my PJ's. 

    This 3rd part can only be done when you are not drinking, 1 drink and I, or anyone else in this group, will be removed and have to apply again at some point in the future, so I cannot afford to balls this up. The pressure is kind of on, but, remaining sober is the only way forward for me, and so far, i am enjoying the change in my life. 

Becoming Sober (Being an alcoholic)

 I know it has been a long time since I have written on here, but life hasn't been too good for me for a while now and while it is completely my fault, It's still currently a battle. 

Around a year ago now I'd guess it was, but life stopped being fun. I noticed in myself that I was drinking more than usual and more often. The issue was for me, having nothing to do, too much time on my hands and seeing alcohol as a way to pass the time. Around my birthday last year (2022) I decided that I should start looking up help to become sober. Not long after, like, a few days i think it was, but my brother confronted me over text saying that i had a drinking problem and that i needed to get help, rather than deny it or pass it off as another angry message from him, it got me and i admitted it out loud for the first time ever. 

It's a difficult thing to do, actually saying that you have a problem. It's also very scary to realize you have a problem. I made the choice to seek out help by reaching out to a service in my local area that supports people having issues with drugs and alcohol. I think the service was called inspire, but then they re-branded or something... long story short, i got signed up.

The first thing they did with me was to go through a triage assessment, which determined what kind of a drinker i was (turns out, binge) and any other habits i have etc. Then comes the options for treatment. Did i need to go to a rehab facility? Would it be best to go to group therapy etc. The answer kind of shocked me to be honest. 

We decided that i would be best to do group therapy. One of them where you think it's everyone in a big circle sat around doing the whole "My names Bev and i'm an alcoholic", yeah, one of them. I was called by the host of these meetings and i was given my start date.

I guess technically it is within walking distance of where i live, but it is one hell of a walk which i only managed a few times because the chaffing would cripple me for the rest of the week! Anyway, my first day, i turn up and I am a big sweaty mess, but, I'm early so i have time to grab a few cups of water and dry myself off with the free tissues they have out in reception. Eventually me and some others are sent through to this other room where the meeting is held and it's not at all what i thought it was going to be. It's a big table with chairs around the edge, free tea and coffee and everyone is just talking about normal things. 

The meeting starts and as i'm the newbie i'm given an introduction into how things go at the meetings, what we discuss, what sort of topics we learn etc. The breakdown basically is that we have a catch up at the start of the meeting, which is where one by one we speak about how the previous week has been, if you have had a drink it's fine, but why did you have a drink etc. Once everyone has spoken there's a 10 minute break so you can get yourself another cup of tea, or go and have a cigarette outside etc, then when everyone is around the table again it's time to learn. The learning is very informal though, you are welcome to actively join in with the topic and how you can relate to it etc. After say, 50 mins, it's home time. 

I didn't think i would do well in these sorts of meetings to be honest, but I do enjoy them, it gets me out of the house, and helps me to socialise, to speak, learn etc. 

My next steps currently are to start putting things into place for the long term, after all, i will be an alcoholic for life and i will always need support and a network of people i can reach out to. So that might be joining local AA meetings, or some other kind of recovery program, because at the same time, i'll then have a support network for life. 

The journey is tough though, I cant lie, it's a battle like i've never fought before. It's still scary and at the same time it's exciting knowing that theres going to be a better tomorrow for me.

Bye Wife, I Guess...

     I can't quite believe that it is almost 2 years since i last wrote on here. 2 years and what a different world we live in. When we first went into lockdown i didn't really think i would change that much, sure, i expected to find fun in new things, maybe even pick up a hobby or two, yet, i still find myself shocked at how much i personally am feeling the change.

    I write here though, today, with my mindset feeling better than it has done in a while and certainly my anxiety is feeling less, yet, i'm not supposed to feel like this. You may ask, what happened?

    Many moons ago as people who know me can verify, i became friends with a girl named Sian when we both worked in KFC. Over the years we basically became like a married couple until one day when we were bickering about something, and i remember Sian messaged me and said "I can't do this anymore, i'm done" and blocked me in every way she could. We both moved on in life and everything seemed great, i got a new flat and moved etc. Now, my memory has faded a bit but we ended up back in touch, actually met up twice too! Things were never the same though, i don't know what it was, but things just felt different, like we couldn't be ourselves around each other, and rather quickly contact was dropped. 

    During the lockdowns i began to use my social media more, posting video's of stuff from my Youtube, tagging people etc, and everyone seemed to be responding as expected tbh. One friend i had gotten back in touch with was Ian, remember him from the Bev & Ian video's? Well, we were messaging and then he went through a horrible time in his life because of things that happened, but i tried to be a good friend, but weirdly contact went to nothing. Every now and again i'd get a few messages off him and we would have a catch up, which was nice. One night i messaged him a picture of Sian's baby and said "Don't you think she looks like Paul?" who is a person all 3 of us know for various reasons, but i don't think any of us are in contact with anymore. However, it was a joke, but Ian was going through his no contact bit again, so i didn't mind. 

    Last night i quite late on got a message off Sian to say that she had seen the message in person so i can't deny i sent it, and that although her partner found it funny, she didn't and now, what little respect she had for me has now gone and to not talk about her or her baby again. She then blocked me on everything while i spent time trying to think "What message?". I then remembered that the only thing i had said about Sian was the baby joke to Ian. 

    Then, i saw why he had gone quiet with me. 

    So, i've removed Ian from my social media and i've also blocked Sian too, so if she changes her mind in the future, oh well, she can't. Weirdly though, i'm not bothered about this. If you can't take a joke then fine, but it's the thought that these two have been in touch (Ian also has his own business, so it's possible they have met in person) and spoken about me and probably gone into detail about how they're glad they no longer talk to me etc. Not going to lie, that bit actually makes me laugh, to think, i'm obviously living in their heads rent free at the moment. 

    Why isn't this bothering me though? I've spent today driving around asking myself the same thing. To be honest i think it's a relief now not having to worry about what others are thinking of me, thinking i'll have to be the first one to get in touch or i'll be seen as the bad friend... well, no more. Lockdown has taught me that i prefer animals over humans anyway and i am over the idea of having friends tbh, i'd rather sit at home, doing what i want, rather than worrying about what others are thinking. 

So, goodbye Wifey, the friendship was a roller coaster and we held on for the ride, but i'm glad it's gotten back into the station and we can get off and go our seperate ways. It was fun, but, oh well, bye.

The mind wonders about Hi De Hi.

This started a while ago when I fell in love with the old TV show called Hi De Hi.

For those who don't know, it's a fictional holiday camp where you follow the entertainments team over 2 seasons and all of their goings on. It's hilarious even to this day. It had a charm about it, an innocence if you will.

I became bored for some time on Grindr and changed my entire profile to be that of Peggy Ollerenshaw the chalet maid. Yes you'd get men wanting sex (she was played by a very young sue pollard so they can't be blamed) but some people got the joke and would inbox me asking how my day was, usually I'd reply with some random statement saying about Mr fairbrother and how he was going to get me another interview to become a yellow coat. Some people however didn't get the humour, they thought Peggy was real. They actually thought I was a cleaner working on a holiday Park in Clacton-on-sea (a place which doesn't exist).

Around that time I gave my mind the freedom to wonder, what ever happened to the characters after the last episode when they all went their separate ways, knowing yellow coats were a thing of the past. Here's where my mind took me....

Maplins Holiday Camps. 

Maplins is no more, unfortunately. For about 3 years after the yellow coats left people would return, but they stopped coming. The first season with no yellow coats was awful, people just didn't know they weren't there. They'd ask the staff "where is Ted?", but nobody really knew. The parks did change though, self catering became their way, meaning the dining hall sat empty for a year or so, until Joe managed to get some cheap arcade games, he stuck them in there and encouraged everyone to try their luck. Entertainment wise, well day time became dull, there was the pool and a little bit of a park, but that was it. In the evening the new head of entertainment would introduce the band and the dancing would begin, only to be interupted by an act at about 9pm. The acts might have been comedy or a singer, but nothing amazing.

Joe eventually after 4 years sold Maplins for a pretty penny, the new company kept the branding and even brought back the yellow coats, but by then the damage was done, people weren't interested in what they saw as "old" fun and the parks soon closed their doors for good.

Ted Bovis. 

The man, the Legend. He gave most of his life to Maplins, certainly helped the company and site out a number of times over the years. Ted went from strength to strength after leaving, he released an LP of "holiday hits" which went down a storm and even became number 1 in the UK charts. He presented a TV series on a Saturday night for about 2 years and he thought everything was great. He did go back to Maplins, once a week in its final season as a special guest. He would often remark about how things used to be at the site and how it could never go back to how it was. Ted went on to have a new wife and the two of them toured an act together until their dying days.

Spike Dixon. 

Being the funny man for 2 long seasons took its toll on Spike. He left the company feeling sure about his future, only to find out that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He married April which was lovely, but after 2 children and calling time on his comedy career his marriage fell apart and he went back to the usual 9 to 5 job. He always wanted to make people smile, many say he was the highlight of the office day, which he liked, because it hid his deep depression which he developed after becoming bored of his routine but finding no way out.

Peggy Ollerenshaw. 

Ah Peggy, there's nobody quite like her is there! She did indeed stay on at Maplins right until the company closed its doors, I think with the hope that she would once again become a yellow coat, but alas, she never did. Once the company closed she returned home and began taking any work she could. She did eventually find her path in life however, she worked in promotions for various companies and could often be found on high street corners shouting about special offers and getting into trouble for trying to get everyone involved in what she was doing. She was always great for business.

Yvonne / Julian. 

They left Maplins with their eyes on the prize of a new start in Australia and they really did do it! They made their way over and set up a dance school, teaching people the art of the ballroom dance. They kept their grace and professionalism at all times, they even won some awards, not for dancing, but things like "dance school of the year" and such. Those certificates are still shown today in the family home, as they have since both retired from dancing and now they merely rub shoulders with the rich and famous.

Glad / Clive. 

That famous voice of the announcements at Maplins and he, the squadron leader both went on to... Well actually they just ran the zoo at his father's estate. They did introduce new things like rides and tours etc, but nothing could get in the way of their love, it was always cute seeing the two of them together. They eventually retired in Wales and enjoyed walks around the countryside with fresh fish and chips.

And that's it. That's as far as my brain would wonder. It never happened as above, that's all what my brain thought of. The show however did become a musical on stage shows, but is best remembered for being on TV. The cast have since had several reunions and in one they even returned to the site where they filmed the show, it's now a housing estate, but do you remember them really tall trees by the pool? They're still there to this day! 

The show will forever be, in my eyes, one of the best shows ever made. I'd love for there to be a modern version, but I think I might be alone in that.

The fine line

There's a fine line between life and death that we don't often talk about.

Like tonight on my road where I live. I live on a corner, down one side tonight there was a community party, 20 minutes of party dances and games, but on the other side there was 2 private ambulances which for those who don't know, they collect dead bodies.

Later in the evening there was 3 private ambulances along with 6 staff, 4 police and the fire brigade, all masked up because of the covid outbreak. 

I don't know what caused the whole crew to turn up for a death, but for a while I felt as if I was in the middle between life and death. Life being the party, people making the most out of a bad situation we currently find ourselves in, while meters away death has happened. I questioned a few times if the party should go ahead, was it disrespectful to whomever had passed away for the whole neighbourhood to have a party, or was it right? Was it a sign that life goes on.

It's a difficult call really, I suppose there's no right or wrong answer. I remember after my Nana had passed away that I had to get the message through into my mind that life does go on. At times I could almost hear my Nana's voice saying "Stop being stupid, it's only me, go and do something". I guess the whole situation in my head over tonight comes down to personal preference.

I like to think whoever it was that passed away knows the party wasn't celebrating their leaving, infact most of the neighbours didn't even know what was happening as they couldn't see anything. Should life take presidence over death, or does death command that life stops, if only for a moment?

I guess that is up to you...

Dropping the N-word on Twitter...

Well, my Twitter became a "fun" place to be over the past few days. Currently I'm still serving a 1 week ban, not for my original tweet (which twitter has no problem with despite it having been reported hundreds of times), but because of a reply I made to one of the hundreds of abusive users which decided to contact me over the past few days.

Where did it all begin?

Well, the tweet basically made the point that the N-word is basically the straight version of Queer, a word which has been used for decades as a derogatory term and how queer hasn't been reclaimed, it isn't a sexuality. 

I still very much stand by this point.

However, a white person using the N-word stirred up a lot of hatred. Several users saw about it being the 1 year since passing of my Nana, and hoped that she was "resting in piss" or "burning in hell". I got told I should be murdered, burned alive, beaten, made disabled and much, much more.

Although hundreds of people got in touch with me over the tweet, thousands of people saw the tweet and didn't bother getting in touch - more than likely because they don't care.

A large chunk of people told me I was a white supremacist and racist for even typing the word, then went on to say I shouldn't use it.

A white person shouldn't use the word.

Let's swap that sentence for a second here...

A black person shouldn't use the word.

Many of you reading that would assume the 2nd one is racist there, but actually, BOTH sentences are racist. It is telling people, based on the colour of their skin, that they cannot use a certain word. However, many people refused to see the racism in the first sentence, some even going as far as saying "it isn't possible to be racist to a white person".

What else did I face? Let's see...

3 of my friends were contacted through Facebook with messages like this...

... You get the idea.

Now unfortunately for her, my friends (a lot of them, not all) are supportive of me and some even agree with what I said.

I had an email to my company email address off someone trying to get me sacked, however, it being a self employed deal meant it was quite dumb of the gentleman to email, because the email just got deleted.

So you can see, people really tried to ruin me, over a word which in truth, caused them no offense or problems. I did report many of the tweets I received (around 200 reports were made) and around 50 accounts had to remove their tweets and faced time out on the platform where they cannot tweet or do anything for a set amount of time.

I think my block list almost doubled in size too, because I am not wanting contact from idiots again in the future.

Anyway, the whole point of this was to explain my side of the story in a way that people can actually read. It isn't racist for a white person to use the N-word. It isn't denying the history of the black community, it isn't being said in a disrespectful manor and certainly isn't causing offense to the majority of people these days.

Oh, the best thing was a tweet that said "he's lost friends because of this", and let me explain why that is funny. So we all know of people who will try to start an argument with you because you hold a different opinion than them, well a friend of mine from years ago called Jakey turned into one of those people. Over the past few months he had tried to argue with me over pretty much everything he could, so of course he was determined that he would fall out with me over this tweet. He tweeted that he was ashamed he had called me a friend for so long, which is where the losing friends tweet came from. Was he a friend? In the past year or so, no, he wasn't. Have I lost any sleep because he's decided to not have contact with me? No. I also think it's him that leaked my Facebook and friends details, which isn't really surprising if true.

The original tweet has been seen around 49,000 times at the time of posting this, it gathered less than 500 responses. I'd say the figures speak for themselves, the majority of people just aren't bothered.

And they shouldn't be, because equality is what we strive for.

The San Francisco bug

I've caught it. Simple as really.

Long story short, I was the winner of a prize on a radio station, the prize was to go to a gig of any artist, anywhere in the world. I chose Cher in San Francisco. 

Well, you can try and act shocked!

Anyway, I went, had the most amazing trip I could have ever wanted, but since coming home I'm now struggling to fit back in to my own life. I want to be back there! 

I actually believe this could be the change in my life that I want. It's such a different way of life that my mind cannot get over how much this could be me, living there.

Certainly, the city isn't without its problems, homeless is out of control, and I'm only looking at figures and dreaming... But I really do believe I could make a go of this.

I mean, look at this... https://my.matterport.com/show/?model=TqWBjpQQqH9 

How amazing is that? And looking over at city hall too! I just cannot stop myself from wanting to go, wanting the lifestyle change.

We shall see what happens.